i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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