I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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