It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Randomize
