I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
