Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize