Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
