its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
