I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
