I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
The uberlube is also flammable
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
