I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
