I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
