I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My sheets look like a crime scene.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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