yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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