Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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