Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize