i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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