I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
