I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
