maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Randomize
