we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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