Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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