There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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