hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
