how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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