There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
