I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
