New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
