the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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