are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Success! We fucked roommates!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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