Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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