She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
