I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
