The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
