we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
