My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
