things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's always time for handjobs
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
