While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
