Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
