just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
