I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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