my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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