He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
