she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
