Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
