I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
