Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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