I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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