Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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