smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize