The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
