don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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