I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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