ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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