careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Randomize
