so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
