If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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