Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
