happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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